"to love is to know"

to love is to know.
to be loved is to be known.

in the Bible, the word “know” is more than a superficial, informative kind of knowing. it is thoughtful, deep, and intimate.

to know is to love.
to be known is to be loved.

i recently told a friend that i think i might have, in the past, internalised my birthday as a “test” that determines how much people love me. will they throw me a surprise party? will they know what to give me? will they even remember to wish me? am i important enough? i was hinging my self-worth in the hands of others.

i was measuring my self-worth based on the amount of love people decided to give me, and then in turn, analysing the “amount” in my own terms. (aka, “this friend just gave me a gift because it’s in her nature to be kind, she’s kind to everyone” or “this friend didn’t wish me immediately even though we’ve been friends for forever, it must mean something different now”)

i know, it’s painful to read.

this year, i’m learning how to receive love again. love from God, from family, from friends, from myself. they all come in very different forms — unconditional grace, cut fruits, midnight scoldings, and gentle nights of journalling — all of which i am learning to see and identify as love.

so thank you, for taking the time to get to know me, to love me, in your littlest ways. tonight, i remember that God knows me the most — in the best and worst ways possible. and He loves me not because of what He knows shallowly, He loves me simply because He knows me intimately as His imperfect, mistake-making, crybaby daughter.

2021-09-21