"i don't have pretty words"

i allowed myself to go to bed at 1am last night—early, on my account—and i woke up at 12pm today. i actually did wake up at 10.20am, but i went back to sleep because there was simply no reason or purpose for me to wake up.

i woke up to a slew of notifications, as one does, and i looked at all of them wondering, “why do you even depend on me, call upon me, when i’m really not that reliable to begin with?”

i spent the entire day watching YouTube videos while feeling guilty for not getting any work done. work that was waiting for me and only me to get done. work that relied on my skills alone, my knowledge alone. i had let people down. funny, isn’t it? i felt guilty, yet i didn’t make a move to deal with that guilt at all.

and above all else, i still had the time and energy to make this piece, write this caption, and post this art on IG, all while i could have been doing actual work. real work. work that others are waiting on me to do. work that others are expecting me to do.

nope.

(maybe you should give up on me, too)

ugly thoughts i don’t want to believe. ugly thoughts that i already believe. they’re all in the same place, in my head.

2021-07-27