"flesh and bone"

i shouldn’t be struggling because i have Jesus.

i shouldn’t be unhappy because i believe in Him.

i shouldn’t be feeling like this.

as a Christian, mental health is a tricky subject. as i have spent the last decade of my life building my core values upon Jesus’ principles, i have been taught that there is power in prayer, and that there is power in declaring His peace upon our lives. and there is. there really is. i have experienced His indescribable peace and His overwhelming love before. it’s incredible.

yet, more recently, i have also been in darker places, where something in me just won’t let His voice pierce through. where the light just fails to shine. it made me feel like a horrible Christian. like i must be believing in Him less, i must have such poor faith, i must be such a weak believer, that i can’t even overcome this, and see Jesus as my hope and light in life.

i stopped reading the Bible first. that was the easiest to give up. then i stopped paying attention to Sunday sermons. i stopped saying grace. i stopped praying or worshipping out of my situation. i just played pretend, the best i could, to be a good and faithful leader at church. i just tried my best to hold it all together. because this is just a phase, right? i’ll get out of the darkness, right?

when i first started thinking about dying about a couple of months back, my friends asked me to seek for professional help. most of these friends were not Christians. my believer friends encouraged me with Bible verses and told me they would be praying for me, with me.

i still love Jesus. but i can’t see His love for me. not always. and i need help with that. mentally, and spiritually. we live in a broken world. you are flesh and bone, as much as you as spirit. you are not a bad Christian for feeling like this.

i don’t have all the answers. but i just want you to know that you can take all the time you need, to draw closer to Jesus, in whatever way you can. your brokenness is part of the journey. Jesus doesn’t want perfect little humans. He wants to be real with you. and this, this pain, this void, this sorrow, this whatever you’re feeling—that’s real.

2021-08-03